Gay Barrys, Drinking Problems, Sybl Kidner and Running on your Balls.

We thought Barry was gay – Barry the Barracuda that is, the sucker that hoovers up all the neighbours’ leaves from your pool. It turns out he’s just constipated. A pump sucks the pool water through a leaf filter and a bucket thing at the side of the pool - forget to empty this and Barry makes a beeline for the pool’s nether regions.   

Which reminds me of Mike F’s classic story heard in Kenya many years ago.  Indian gentlemen “I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  And from my wife’s bottom as well.”

You may recall that I observed there were 3 things that had a drinking problem in our household – the “native” tree (thirsty all the time), the gas guzzler (Freddie Falcon) and the red wine guzzler (Kidner Jeremy).  Well Freddie’s drinking got out of hand this last week – dribbling, leaking and talking to himself as well as taking shots (of oil) with his beer (91 Octane Unleaded Regular).  It turned out he had a hose loose under the bonnet, a shot oil pressure sender and a busted exhaust pipe. Anyway, our good friends at Lemans Motors took him in for a rehab course and he’s returned all cured. That just leaves the red wine guzzler…

This thing about female is getting out of hand.  On Friday night last week we went down to our local Commonwealth Bank for a drink and a presentation about the intricacies of the Aussie Tax system and how to run rings around the revenue mob using Superannuation Funds and I ended up being called Sybl. OK so I asked who I could be rather than Jeremy when they handed out the badges with people’s names on them. So now as far as the Commonwealth Bank is concerned, I am Sybl.  Now here’s the thing – when was the last time you were invited to your local bank, plied with wine and nice (healthy) nibbles and shown how to navigate the (complex) Aussie rules on tax and superannuation or anything else for that matter?  Good on yer Commonwealth Bank and thank you.

Shoes also – who thought buying running shoes was so complicated?  I thought the shoe person at the Athlete’s Foot  said “Do you run on your balls?’  The lovely Tina L next door when we were enjoying a wonderful BBQ asked if they got in the way when I ran.  Anyway, it turned out what the shoe person said was “Do you run on the balls of your feet?”  I do as a matter of interest as do many people who run barefoot. Nike even has a shoe for people who prefer to run barefoot.  I don’t get it either but there you are.

Keep Well, Stay Safe

Kidner Jeremy and Mrs K

Wet Week, Flocked Flowers and Prison

This week's been "The Wet Week" - we had 4 inches (100cms+) in one night. Not many people get 4 inches a night. The pool filled up and I had to pump it out twice. I found out from Little Lord Fauntleroy that when this happens you have to "deflock" the pool to get all the sediment out.

I realise that this 4" is common in places such as Manchester and Birmingham but in Paradise, this is unusual. It seems that Australia is a land of contrasts. We even have a lady female Prime Minister. Actually Julia is doing a reasonable job and is proving far too much for Abbott (the Opposition or "Oppo" for short) who was "too flocked" to visit the boys in Afghanistan after attending the Conservative Conference in England. Here's how Gillard's Girls saw Julia in Afghanistan in "Friday Mash" (www.fridaymash.com/).

"We were all so thrilled to see you in Afghanistan with the diggers. Having seen you cuddling up to those hunks over there Mildred said she was thinking of making a visit and becoming the most explosive device ever to get laid in that country."

More bumper stickers and some good advice for passengers conveyed in a sensitive and thoughtful way.

This week it's time to recognise that there are some problems in paradise. Last night, someone lopped off the flowers in front of the house and threw them over the fence, particularly galling as we heard them and thought it was just someone wending their way home after a night out. Mrs K put them in a vase so at least we get to enjoy them. Guess who's going to wait up next Saturday night? Still on a positive note, this time of year in Brisbane is simply glorious - look at the carpet of flowers on Baroona Road. How can we not like this.

More seriously, someone's boy (39 years old) got 2 years for burglary this week and yes we know him. This is what a few beers and a lack of "nouse" does for you. There is no doubt that there is a tipping point or inflection point in people's lives. In the space of a month or so, we've also learned first hand how people have experienced drug and alcohol abuse and the terrible downward spiral that can lead to. Is locking people up the answer? I don't know although I know that there are more than a few people who should be taken off the streets, but maybe not for lopping off flowers. On the other hand....think about this wonderful woman:-

A 2003 article in the Melbourne newspaper The Age (see link below) said: "Few can rival Dame Elisabeth's enormous contribution. Her interests are so many they need to be alphabetically catalogued: academia, the arts, children, flora and fauna, heritage, medical research, social welfare. Many of Melbourne and Australia's most cherished institutions, from the Royal Children's Hospital to the Australian Ballet and the Botanic Gardens, have benefited from her involvement. But Dame Elisabeth also devoted herself to less popular causes: prisoners, children in care, those battling mental illness and substance abuse."
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_Murdoch_(philanthropist))

Keep Well, Stay Safe.

Kidner Jeremy and Mrs K

In this issue, format and content of the blog, Economic Stimulus Plan, parking blues, weeds and gay terrorists.

Dinosaur Training - Bonnie B (http://www.facebook.com/bonfirebrand) was good enough to give me a few pointers on the blog. “Man this system is slow” she said, referring to the PC not the old blogger. “And what’s this?”she asked peering at the small black thing covered in dust that passes itself off as a screen. “You need one of these” she said and in a flash popped up an Apple something that looked about the size of the Toowong Shopping Centre and probably cost twice as much. It’s a bit like your mother glaring at your underpants in the laundry after a long day at school. Embarrassing.

Thanks to the lovely Bonnie B, the blog will now change a bit and will have politically incorrect comment on things topical and a "Humour" page. This week - "Aussie Blokes - A Poem".

Neil (our tame Sparky) told us that he was busy removing good light fittings from schools and replacing them with cheap rubbish undoubtedly made in China. Gary L’s (Master Builder) contribution was someone who was making $400,000 clear profit erecting 4 sheds somewhere in the country (which probably means at least 2 days drive from Birdwood Terrace). That’s HK$ 3m or just under £247,000, which is a lot of money in anyone’s books and gives you a clue as to the monumental waste that accompanies anything with the word “Government” in it.

Maybe the light fittings were made in India, but on reflection this is unlikely – they would never have got them ready in time to install them.

Senior moments are becoming more frequent. I managed a classic on Sunday by saying “I think I’ve got the hang of parking Freddie Falcon”. Judge for yourself….

We’re losing the battle of the weeds which came with a new lot of ‘bling grass’ we bought for the new pool garden. These little devils are sometimes called ‘flick” weeds – as soon as one approaches they burst their little seed pods. We wonder whether they should be called ‘fluck’ weeds. Anyway, we unflucked the garden last weekend and apart from Jack in the Beanstalk toadstools that grew 2 inches (about 50 cms) overnight, things are looking good. Gary L was away to a wedding in the country over last weekend – when they got back, they had fungi the size of the marquee on their lawn. Well, nearly..

We now have three things in the Kidner Household that have drinking problems – the new, all Aussie, “only needs water every year” native tree that we have to water every day, Freddie Falcon (Gas Guzzler) and Kidner Jeremy (Red Wine Guzzler). Well at least I can console myself with the thought that if we have a terrorist plot to take over the world, starting in Brisbane, at least they’d come in and rearrange the furniture. I don’t know about unflucking the garden. (Thanks Guy S for the photo).

Keep well, Stay Safe,

Kidner Jeremy and Mrs K.