Pollice in Queensland

Police redefine spelling; Den Ute Muster; cycling - a pain in the bum; politically Incorrect Bumper Stickers.

On Saturday a sharp-eyed reporter spotted this police car in Brisbane and Mrs K cut it out. The explanation was that yes there was a mistake but the car was needed for operational purposes. I wonder what really happened? We're awaiting the saga to continue next week. "Pollice Sineriter admits speling miztake after geting a speed-ding tickett."

Do you like utes ("pick ups" for non Aussie English speakers - they often come with a big V8 engines Aussie style), beer, Bundy Rum, rodeo, monster trucks, barbies (barbecues, not the little dolls)? If so, Deniliquin in early October is the place for you. The major sponsors of this country event are Holden and Bundeberg Rum which should give you a clue as to what goes on. http://www.deniutemuster.com.au/home.

The history of the event masks a harsher truth - country towns and country life are under some pressure to survive. This event was created to inject some life into Deniliquin. The recent Australian general election highlighted this - neither party paid any attention to rural seats which now hold the balance of power in a (nearly) hung parliament. Serves them right.

Ute owners also have a way with bumper stickers. Warning. This is a tad politically incorrect ("incorect" for Police sign writers). In case you can't read these subtle messages, they include "F*** Off, We're Full" (edited for content KJ), "If You Don't Love It , Leave" and my personal favourite "See Queensland First Before Bligh Sells It". Bligh is the Queensland Premier. The senitment refers to the sales of Queensland Government owned assets to pay for development.

These bumper stickers also hide a harsher truth. At the superficial level, we're immigrants so the remarks are directed at us; however, the fact is that being white and driving a Ford Falcon allows us to hide in plain sight. Others face more hostility as have all immigrants to this country. I wonder what the original population thinks about it all.

On Sunday I went cycling with the other two members of "The Velvet Cannons", our Noosa Tri team. I was put in mind of the saying about the joy of stopping bashing your head against a brick wall. Mine host produced this machine with tyres like rubber bands, more gears than a ute at Deni and THE hardest, smallest, most uncomfortable piece of equipment known to man which he duly informed was a seat. We trundled along for 35 kms in a couple of hours. I managed to pedal up the hills and they only had to wait for me about 6 times (there were 6 hills), but the discomfort could only be measured by the sweet sensation of being driven home in Freddie Falcon after a spendid barbie. Soft seat, pliant suspension, good wine, fine food all within sight of the Brisbane River. You don't have to ride a bicycle to appreciate this. But it helps.

Spare a thought for the folks in Christchurch, NZ and Pakistan where earthquakes and floods have wrought havoc.

Keep well, Stay Well,

Kidner Jeremy

Wind in the Back Passage

Wind in the back passage, Rugby League, supermarket larks, sockets and plugs, dog 'n egg.



I'm writing this sipping a glass of $3.20 (about 2 quid) Merlot listening to Abba's Golden Hits about to have Wagyu Spaghetti Bolognaise (no, I'm not kidding about the Wagyu beef but that's another story). You would be hard pushed to tell this Merlot from its more expensive counterparts, particularly after half a bottle of the stuff. God bless the wine glut.

We're not sure whether to call our gas water heater "Jeremy" or "Doreen". When it's a bit windy, the thing blows hot and cold. We could call it Jeremy on the basis that it suffers from wind in the back passage or we could call it Doreen in that it is affected by wind in the back passage. Either way, we could do without wind in the back passage.

We recently went to watch young Haydn (aged 12) play in the final of the (Rugby League) under 12's and what a revelation it was. The lads played their hearts out and as it turned out, young Haydn's team won after a great second half (in which he played a starring role); sweet victory after recent losses to their opponents. His Mum, Dad and elder sister were there all cheering them on, and fair's fair, everyone applauded all the good plays no matter which side made them. The club and grounds where the match was played have been in existence for 102 years - the sign over the clubhouse said it all - "Win or Lose, Everyone is Welcome". Perhaps the moral is that the club exists because generations of families have contributed their time and money to make it happen. Great evening out.

Kidner Jeremy has reached something of a man milestone - largely unaided he made up a shopping list and purchased (most) of the required items completely alone in the supermarket (as opposed to merely dragging his feet while he pushed the trolley behind Mrs K's more expert supermarket interventions). Sure, he bought the wrong margarine and other minor errors, but on the whole, not bad. Up until this moment, he had been inventing ways to pass the time during these shopping forays and has picked up a few good ideas from kids under 18. For example, there's the shopping trolley as a skateboard lark which tends to attract a clip round the ear, or the how many tins of tinned tuna in brine can you balance on one hand, the left hand if it's a particularly slow day and my personal favourite, modelled after the great John Cleese's "Ministry of Funny Walks" how to effect a personal disability with a view to getting sympathy from all the ladies in the place (fat chance, they all have husbands and brothers who have been at this game for longer than Kidner Jeremy). The next man milestone is to actually follow this up and cook a dinner. God forbid, I shall be cooking next. Pass the apron dear....

Talking of kids -- try this advice newbie parents..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X_HMYCgZvQ&feature=related (Carl Barron Walking Down the Street sample 3)

What would one write about plugs and sockets they are supposed to fit into? Aussie plugs have a curious design-challenged upside down shape (well, it is the plug from Down Under). You can't push them in and you can't pull the little blighters out. You can't fit some of them onto a double socket and you are not allowed to wire them yourself (no, I'm not kidding - the job is reserved for qualified electricians). We've also discovered some immutable laws of sockets and plugs. (1) You can never have too many sockets. (2) They will always be in the wrong place no matter where you site the things. (3) No matter how carefully you brief the electrician, he will always leave out the one you really need and you probably have to dismantle the entire wall to retro-fit the things.

My little doggie friend across the road has decided that raw eggs are good for his diet and figure. A little kelpie/cattle-dog cross, Kip (Kippy to his friends, anyone who has the time) is our sometime companion on walks where our role is to let him pee on every tree and lampost he comes across and walk behond him and pick up his pooh (in little designer doggy pooh bags I hasten to add). This week he seized the opportunity to snatch an egg our Olive (his owner)across the road left out on the table. He failed to notice a bit of the shell peeking out of his jaw when he gave the "what me?' gaze to her. He's in the dog box - no TV for a week! He'll miss the Collingwood/St Kilda final on Saturday for sure.

Politically incorrect joke (thanks Jeremy O - good one mate). Brisbane's taxi drivers are nearly all from Pakistan - maybe they all came over from Dubai after that went down the tubes. This taxis driver from the Indian sub continent is involved in a fatal car accident and arrives at the gates of heaven where he is confronted by St Peter. "I looking for God" he says in response to St Peter's customary questioning. St Peter puts his head round the door and shouts "God - your taxi's here!" Maybe these guys know why Yellow Cabs are orange and black. Many of them drive Black and White taxis. Why can't Brissie taxis be called "Brissie Taxis" instead of using colours. What next - Pink Cabs?

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes" (WC Fields)'

God Bless and Keep Well,

Kidner Jeremy

September in Paradise

In this issue, Kidner Jeremy reflects on a lump on the leg, invites you to consider "Pride of Australia Medal Winners, discovers how long it takes to shovel 1.88 tonnes of recycled aggregate fill, can't answer why yellow cabs aren't yellow, and they don't make cars like this anymore.

On Friday 9th Sept. after an MRI scan of a lump on the leg I am pronounced fit and healthy. This small event got me thinking about life and what one does with it. Some people, Arun Cruden (All Blacks new 21 year old star) and Lance Armstrong tackle difficult issues like this in much they same way they tackle their professional athletic careers - full on and with style and determination. Not only is Cruden a courageous man in the face of these difficulties, at 82 Kgs and 178 cms he is a small man in a sport that is usually the domain of bigger men. Rupert Guinness writing in the Sydney Morning Herald describes his ability to take on bigger players with ball in hand. I know Rugby may not be to every one's taste but I found much to admire in this. Good on yer Mr Cruden, you have my vote as a man to admire. The Kiwis won the subsequent match against the Aussies. Again.

Which reminds me of this tag line on a 'Ute "Adventure Before Dementia". And still on the subject of vans, how about this seen on a backpackers hire van covered in graffiti "Save the Bush. Ban The Brazilian". What about "Stop snivelling". Or my favourite, "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Twice Your Rubbish Back" http://www.dirtyharrys.com.au/

Each year, September sees the finals of the Pride of Australia Medal "competition". The competition (http://www.prideofaustralia.com.au/pastwinners_2010_qld.html) is a good way to see more inspirational people in a variety of categories. One of this year's winners was Randhir Shinmarh who pulled someone out of a burning car. How good is that? The person that caught my attention was Carol Mayor who was terribly badly burned in a house fire in Cairns in 2000, is now actively involved in her school community, is a tuck shop Mum and an ambassador for the Peter Hughes Burns Foundation. If you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself one day, log onto this web site and spend some time reading about these kind of people. It's worth it.

On the same theme, on a trip up to Noosa we stopped and bought some pineapples on the roadside. The producers simply put out an 'Honesty Box" and left it to people to put their money in. Trust is truly a delicate thing. And yes we did put our money in - well, you would wouldn't you. Seen on a sign on Sunday 12th Sept. at Carrara Markets near the Gold Coast, "Don't forget to smile for the cameras when you steal something."

One of the last remaining jobs in Cooranga is the renovation of the garage. To begin the process, we dug out a bit to extend the garage and had Little Lord Fauntleroy build a retaining wall. To complete the job, it had to be back filled with 1.5 cubic metres of recycled aggregate which when delivered I found out weighed 1.88 metric tonnes. It took 2 hours and 9 minutes to fill about 4,000 plastic buckets with the stuff and tip it behind the wall. Classic encounter with Mrs.K. Bang went my head on one of the beams. "Mind your head dear" Mrs.K. "@#!**!!) from Kidner Jeremy. Two days later when normal conversation is restarted, "What I meant was be careful dear." The point of this little story is decoding messages - you'd think after knowing someone for 45 years I'd get the hang of it. Another example. Kidner Jeremy "Shall I start the brussel sprouts". Mrs.K "Yes if you want to - we can warm them up later." Translation "No, it's too early."

We enjoyed having a house guest, Katherine Nesbit for a week in September. "Way aren't Yellow Cabs yellow?" she asked. Aussies and Americans will recognise the Orange and Black livery of the Yellow Cabs. Any ideas anyone?

Being a bit of a petrolhead, I did admire two cars parked on Hastings Street in Noosa (Hastings Street is very bling). The little Fiat 500 looked like a puppy waiting outside a shop - in this case a swish ("bling") Italian restaurant (have you ever been in a good German Restaurant?). The other was a "Woodie" outside a restaurant on the other side of the street where they had a lady pianist attracting the crowds. I haven't bothered to find out what the car is but it had presence that's for sure. Why are all modern cars so DULL?

Good health and good relations.

The Flying Snail aka Kidner Jeremy